I've spent half my life trying to fall behind.

I've never been close to my family. Outside of my immediate (mom dad, brothers, grandparents) ive never know what it was like to be excited to visit an uncle or an aunt, or even a cousin. my parents were young when they had me, really young. and when they did, they moved far away from our family orgin in california. so we were never close. my mothers brothers were all drug dealers and in and out of prison, her sisters didnt get along with her because their father always showed her preferential treatment. as for my fathers side, he was an outcast of his own right, he was the one in and out of jail. so growing up i never had family visits.

id hear my friends saying how they couldnt play after school because their cousins were in town. and then id get to hear about all the fun they had staying up together the next day. id ask my mom "how come i dont have any cousins mama?" and she would just say "our family is just different." and thats all there was to it.

so years come and go. i hear the casual mention of brothers or sisters, having nephews and neices, but they are just names never connected to faces. not even via photos.

until very recently, the only time id even see these people was during a funeral. one of my mothers brothers being shot in a drive by. one of my fathers brothers dying in a bar fight.

and then grandmothers and grandfathers passing.

even then we would be up for the day then home immediately after. something changed in july this year. we were invited to a wedding. my great uncle otto, who id never met before. i was thinking, oh boy another awkward meeting of people ill never meet again. but it was different. we stayed at my fathers brother Jay's house, with his wife Laura and their son and daughter, we were there for 4 days and i had so much fun. my cousins were both about 9 years younger than me but i still had so much fun with them. i felt like i was finally getting a taste of what family was supposed to be like, at age 23. better late than never i say!

so you can imagine my joy when i hear that jay and laura were coming to visit this holiday weekend, and bringing my cousins too! and it was wonderful the first night, hanging out playing video games with them, and cards or dice with my uncle and aunt. even most of today was amazing. we had a giant bbq and friends, family.

then the sun set, friends went home. kids went to bowling alley to play with my younger brother. so us adults sitting around talking. jay and laura go inside, and hes faily toasted, from the drinks throughout the day. he asks her for the keys so he can go to the store and she says you cant drive and wont give them to him.

so we just all respect their space and chill out on the patio while they have their lil marital spat, seemed normal enough.

this is where everything turns upside down.

15 minutes later we hear laura SCREAM from the house. "HELP!" ... "Scott please help!" (scott is my father) and then the sound of broken glass.

my father and i rush into the house and laura is lying on the floor, there is a large chunk of her hair on the floor next to her and broken glass every where.

my uncle assaulted my aunt.

i run to her and get between them, my uncle lifts me up and pins me to the wall. now im not a small person by any means but he just lifted and pinned me like a ragdoll. im 6'2 220lbs. thats no easy task. but hes much larger than I, my dad pulls him off of me and throws him out the front door locking it behind him. i help laura up. im terrified at this point and tears are streaming down my face. not because he had hurt me but because my aunt was on the floor, surrounded by broken glass, crying, portions of her hair strewn about.

I was in shock. i still am. i cant even speak to anyone because the moment i force out a sound, i start crying again. the images are swimming in my head her lying on the floor asking me to help her. my cousian Tajia in the bathroom crying while her brother tries to console her. my uncle with all that rage in his eyes.

she left him. she took the keys and left him here. my dad took him to the greyhound.

All i want is a normal family. I dont want to be scared of family.

I dont want to have to make a family of my own that wont be able to have family.

you cant choose your relatives. but i really wish you fucking could.

I want a taste of normal. and you cant say this is normal. they say "oh every family has one" but i dont have one. thats all Ive got. Im thankful for the mild immediate family i have. i really am. at least i have that.